Porn Free Life

Porn into Productivity

2007-07-13T07:55:00.000-07:00

So its been awhile since I've last posted. My excuse is that I've just been too busy...which ties in nicely with my topic for this post. That is turning porn into productivity.

I cringe to think about how much time I've wasted in my life looking at porn. If I assume I looked at pornography an average of 5 hours a week between ages 15 and 25, it would amount to nearly 1/3 of an entire year of my life wasted looking at porn. That means by the time I was 25, I would've spent 1% of my life looking at pornography. That's a lot of wasted time. Then I just imagine what I would be like if all that time had been devoted to something more productive...reading, learning, or prayer/meditation. How much wiser I might be if that were the case. Instead I chose to waste all that time burning sexual imagery into my head.

It's absolutely essential in overcoming any addiction that the times when we would've dedicated to our addiction be used for something more productive. This doesn't mean replacing it with some other mindless activity. It means being more productive in our time. Of course this isn't always as easy as it sounds. If you're anything like me...you lose interest in new hobbies rather quickly. It seems that I often tried to replace porn in my life...but it often involved the internet, maybe finding a game online that distracts me. Of course I would soon lose interest in the distraction and return back to pornography. I've even had some seemingly productive attempts that have ended in the same result...learning guitar for instance. Some may take up guitar and find that it really captures their interest and wind up becoming very skilled guitar players. For me, it was just something else that I lose interest in. Sadly, probably because it took too much effort on my part and since pornography has turned me a bit lazy I soon gave back into the simpler mindless activity.

The key is finding something that is actually useful. To be honest, I don't know that I've completely found my something yet. Thanks to my marriage to my beautiful wife the arrival of our son...I don't have as much free time as I used to have to be tempted into pornography, but of course I still found time to view it not too long ago. So thus far I've kept myself pretty busy posting on this blog (up until the last month that is), reading the bible, and trying to help out more around the house. Heck, I'll even lump sleeping into that useful activity category. My more recent porn binges often came at the price of lost sleep. I was still reading the bible and doing some basic chores around the house during that time, so when I had time alone it usually meant staying up late to get in more porn time. So this time around, I've made sure I've kept up this blog (to keep me actively working to overcome my addiction), gone a bit beyond the bare bones housework and made sure I helped more with keeping the house a bit more clean (although I'm sure my wife still thinks I could be doing better), in addition to reading the Bible. I won't deny I've replaced some of my porn time with TV time, but I do usually keep it at the bottom of my list. I still think I could use a hobby that keeps my interest, so I will continue to search for something.

Of course its important when starting the road of recovery though, that these changes aren't easy. In the beginning its never easy to turn down the opportunity to view porn or masturbate with chores around the house. But I find the more I force myself to do these chores, the more they become part of my normal routine and I find satisfaction in doing them. Runners can relate to a runners high. This is when a runner may feel near the point of exhaustion or simply doesn't want to continue, but suddenly the get a rush of hormones that reenergizes them and makes them feel like they could run forever. It's important to keep at whatever our new activities are on a consistant basis until we really begin to feel attached to them and get a true satisfaction out of them. I've certainly felt this with housework as well as this blog...I'm still working on getting that same feeling through prayer and bible readings.

God Bless!

A few miscellaneous thoughts

2007-06-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

I'm am slowly adding to my list of links on the right. Through a few of your comments I've been able to find blogs of others who also struggle with pornography, and its great to be able to share thoughts with each other and draw strength from each other. I only wish I had more time to read through everyone's individual posts! If you have any great links...blogs or resources...feel free to share.

For me personally, the struggle has really from pornography, to just my own thoughts or wandering eyes. I hoping to find the strength to get a better control on these as well, as I know it is the only way to continue to grow towards lasting freedom.

You may have noticed the time between my posts is growing. It's tough to find the time to post. The good news is that as I continue to distance myself from my addiction, the more motivated I am to focus on helping out with housework or more productive things...and the less drawn I am to my computer. I hope to continue to post at least once or twice a month, so please continue to stop by!

Masturbation

2007-06-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

Masturbation is a huge debate among many Christians. Some claim the Bible doesn't specifically address it. Others feel its inherently wrong because it involves lust. There are those who feel it can be done without lust...of course if you're not lusting...then why is there even a need to do it? But I don't even want to get into that debate here. Let's for the sake of arguement just say that pornography is a sin, but masturbation is okay. That's not my personal opinion, but I think there is good reason to avoid masturbation even under the presumption that it is not immoral.

What's the real addiction here? I personally am not gratified "fully" by simply looking at pornography. Pornography only serves to build sexual frustration. If I look at pornography long enough, I can no longer control myself. So much sexual energy builds up that it becomes unbearable, and there needs to be some sort of release...and that's where masturbation comes in. But if you take masturbation out of the equation, lets say I am physically unable to do it, then what happens? I really have no reason to look at pornography. For me, the entire point of looking at pornography is to build myself up to a sexual release. That release is the real addiction for me. If I can't have that release, what is the point of looking at pornography? It's only going to serve to get me excited, but if there is no release, I'm just going to drive myself crazy.

So what happens if I try to give up pornography, but allow myself to masturbate? Initially I could see it working okay. Let's say I only allow myself to masturbate when I have an uncontrollable temptation and when I masturbate, I clear my mind so that there are not lustful thoughts...it's completely "functional" in that I'm only doing it to release tension but not to indulge in fantasy. But by allowing myself that out, I have done nothing to try to control my urges. The sexual release as I mentioned before is the whole addiction. If I tell myself its okay, then what's to stop me from doing it daily? Maybe I start by only doing it once every week or two...but it's addictive and a bit of a stress release...and there's nothing to stop me from doing it more frequently. If I'm already doing it once a week, why not twice a week, why not every day? And by allowing myself to essentially cave when things get too tough, I'm not teaching myself any self-control...eventually the threshold of temptation that I can endure before I turn to masturbation becomes pretty low.

So now maybe I'm doing it everyday...its become a daily habit...it gets to the point where I might not even be that tempted...but I'm tired, bored, and/or stressed...so why not take the edge off with masturbation. But now there's a problem. Up until now I've been doing it without lust because I'm already sexually frustrated. But now there's a problem, I just want to do it but I'm not feeling sexually frustrated. So now, what's to stop me from turning to my old ways of building up the sexual frustration? I'm already masturbating...why not indulge in a fantasy or view pornography? Afterall, its just "functional", serving just to get me worked up enough to enjoy masturbation.

I guess that's how pornography and masturbation have always worked for me. Rarely have I just had the urge to view pornography with no intent on masturbating. But even on those few rare occasions, it turned to masturbation. No, pornography has always been about making that sexual release better. I didn't turn towards pornography because I didn't find my wife sexy or because she didnt' satisfy....it was more because I was seeking a sexual release because I was bored or stressed and the only way to fully experience that was to include lust and pornography. Yes, it did feel like I was just addicted to pornography, but had there neve been any expectation of sexual release, I simply don't think the addiction would have developed.

I guess that brings this discussion full circle. If you take away the masturbation, is there really a purpose for pornography? For me personally, no. Furthermore, by allowing myself the convenience of masturbation because I found a way to justify it...I do not teach myself self-control and eventually it leads me down the path to lust and pornography again. Even if you could prove that masturbation is not immoral...is it some sort of necessity? Do we need it? No! And if the sexual frustration builds up in us so much that we feel we do need it, then we should probably take a step back and figure out why that sexual energy built up so strongly within us in the first place and figure out how to prevent it from happening in the future. I find that for me, it is usually because I allowed the sexual frustration to build up to that point...when there was usually something I could have done to stop it.

Bottom line, to give up pornography, I see no reason to keep masturbation in the picture. It only serves to remind us of our previous experiences and to allow us to maintain a habit of sexual release that may ultimately need to be fed by pornography to continue.

Euphoria

2007-06-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

There are many people who don't acknowledge that there is such a thing as a pornography addiction. I've been thinking some about how to counter this arguement lately...and while I'm not ready to address it in full, I do feel its a good time to explain to those who have been hurt by pornography (i.e. spouses of users) exactly what goes through the mind of a porn addict. While this may not apply to all addicts, from what I have seen it is similiar for the majority.

For my wife and many wives, I think they are hurt because they somehow feel responsible. They either feel they are incapable of satisfying their man fully or that their men are not physically attracted to them and therefore turn to pornography. Now I can't speak for those who did not get involved with pornography until after marriage...but speaking as someone who was involved with pornography long before marriage (i.e. over a decade), this certainly is not the case!

When men become sexually aroused, chemicals are released in the brain and we begin to feel a sense of euphoria. The goal becomes to prolong that period of euphoria and eventually reach the pinnacle of that euphoric high. In this state we enter what I like to call 'suspended reality.' Our stress and worries fade away. Nothing is as important as reaching that sexual high, and if we're determined, little can stop us from reaching it...reaching it at all costs. We really become drunk on the feeling. Common sense and inhibitions disappear. Rational thought even goes out the window. NO matter how many times I have tried to think of my wife and how much I'm hurting her when I look at pornography, it simply isn't enough to stop me. Not because I don't love her, but because when I'm in that state, I begin to justify my actions with any possible explaination. Everything from "she'll never find out" to "I will quit after this and she'll never have to know" to the old standard "every man does it, I'm no worse than everyone else." Of course, to the outside observer and even myself in retrospect, these are not valid excuses. My wife will find out...even if she doesn't know it hurts our relationship...and not everyone does it and it doesn't matter how many people do, it doesn't make it right. But in that euphoric state, these excuses make all the sense in the world.

So the way out seems pretty simple, quit allowing myself to enter these periods of sexual arousal. But to someone who has been involved in pornography, this is not so easy. Images and experiences are burned into memory. And of course, sexual imagery is everywhere...advertising, television, even the newspaper. And the more we've engaged in pornography and masturbation, the easier it is to be aroused by this stuff. In my darkest times, that sexually aroused period eventually blurred to the point where sex was always on my mind. But what about those times where I abstained. Before marriage I pledged to quit and went months without looking at pornography or masturbating. I cleansed myself. What turned me back to it after marriage? Was my wife not attractive to me or not satisfying me? Absolutely not! It's the memory of the experiences from before I even met my wife. I remember the euphoria involved in pornography and masturbation. What's more, it's incredibly simple to get that sense of euphoria. All it takes is a stressful day or a bit of boredom...and if I'm not prepared for the temptation and have a moment of weakness, I begin engaging in the activity. Once I've entertained the thought, its too late...the launch sequence has been activated. It's not that I'm not sexually satisfied by my wife...its that I know how easy it is to get that sense of euphoria...which allows me to escape all my troubles.

Now, I explain all this not to try to pass pornography off as permissible because its simply a physical act that does not result from sexual frustration or dissatisfaction. Yes I hope that women might understand a bit more and be able to sympathize a bit more with the struggle of pornography...but they certainly shouldn't freely allow it. But instead, I present all this more because this is the danger of pornography. Because it is devoid of emotion and simply driven by the desire for a easily attainable euphoric high if we engage in it too much the thought and emotion disappears from our life all together. Suddenly nothing ever matters but reaching that euphoric high whenever we have a chance. Eventually it interfers with my sex life with my wife. I'm not as interested in sex with her. Again, nothing to do with her...its general laziness. Sex requires effort and work...and when I'm frequenly getting that euphoria with a lot less work on the side, it almost seems pointless. I've separated the emotion from the physical euphoria. Of course, men are able to separate the emotional and physical realms of sex much easier than women. And left unchecked and eventually we might turn to bigger and badder ways of getting this high. I pray to God that I never got physically involved with another woman, but it does scare me how in my darkest times how easily it could've happened with little thought of my own.

So the goal is of course to avoid sexual arousal outside of marriage at all costs. I won't expand on that since that is what most of this blog is devoted to...but I will say it requires a strong will/motivating factor, lots of prayer, honestly with your spouse or another, and continued vigilance. The good news is the farther we are removed from the bad times, the easier and more satisfying it is to put these things into practive. And of course, it's important to remember that while I may be satisfying myself physically with pornography and masturbation, emotionally my wife and I are both suffering, which is only creating tension within our marriage.

I want to thank all who read this or continue to read it. Please know I am always open for discussion and feedback!

Denying the Flesh

2007-05-02T06:01:00.000-07:00

I've struggled a bit more in the past week or so, but praise God in that I have managed to remain free from pornography and masturbation! What I have really been struggling with lately is my own will to fight the battle. When you first embark, the first few days are very difficult, almost like going through withdrawal. If you are able to get through that, the next few weeks get easier. Sure there are temptations, but you motivations are still fresh in your mind and your still feeling fresh and energetic and are able to fight through those times of temptation.

But soon comes this a more complacent period, that has always been my biggest hurdle. The initial spiritual high of fighting the good fight wears off...we sometimes get over confident...our enthusiasm wains...and we just get worn out. I still want to be faithful to God and my wife...but somehow those good feelings that were part of the addiction work their way into my head. I'm tired of fighting...I start to doubt my own strength...and part of me actually begins to miss what I was addicted to...what has come so close to destroying my relationship with my wife. It's so frustrating! In my heart I know the pain it has caused and will cause if I give in...but my flesh is weak. My flesh wants to give in. My flesh wants to be satisfied. My flesh could care less about the consequences, as long as I am satisfied physically. It's a horrible battle that goes on between my flesh and my spirit...and my flesh has always won. My spirit doesn't know how to win this battle. Satan's weapons are incredibly powerful!

Today I am reminding myself of Saint Paul's Letter to the Romans. Paul knew this struggle too! "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. So then it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. (Romans 7:15-20)".

What Paul understood, is that the nature of our flesh is sin. Our flesh, has been sold into the slavery of sin. But Jesus Christ, by his death, takes away our sin! Without sin, our flesh is nothing...it is weak. And our spirit can then overpower our flesh! The key then, is to allow Christ to take away our sin. That I suppose is where I and many struggle. Because the unfortunate thing is, we are living in our flesh. And instead of focusing on our spirit and its needs, we focus on the flesh...because here on earth, it is much more tangible that our spirit. We don't want to deny our flesh the sin that it desires, because we are too wrapped up in the physical needs of our flesh. Our flesh wants sin, so if we allow Jesus to take away our sin, our flesh suffers...and we feel the effects.

So what is the key? Feed our spirit and starve the flesh. This strengthens our spirit, weakens our flesh. Soon, we will no longer be able to live, or focus, on our flesh...because only our spirit will be able to support us. Easier said than done. The flesh puts up a fight. But we must deny to feed it the evils it desires at all cost. I've made the decision to overcome this sin of mine...and that means sacrafice. That may mean pain. But this time, I cannot allow my flesh to win the battle over my spirit. It is time to give my spirit a taste of victory! It is time to truely allow Christ to take away my sins! And I pray that Christ strengthens my spirit and the spirit of all those who also struggle in this battle!

Sex Sex Everywhere!

2007-04-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

Perhaps one of the most frustrating for my in the battle against pornography, is the fact that sex is literally everywhere! I can do everything in my power to get sexual imagery out of my life...internet filters, throwing away porn, blocking television channels, refusing to rent movies with nudity, ect. Yet as much effort as I may put into this, I can still find sexual imagery in the most innocent of places. Grocery stores, billboards, restaraunts, hotels, at work...the list goes on and on. Not only that, but I can spend all the time in the world filling my mind with pure thoughts and making myself realized what a terrible thing pornography and lust are...but meanwhile a large portion of society is constantly trying to remind me how completely normal and healthy sexual promiscuity is. Conversations at work...discussions on the radio...even articles in the newspaper. Seems like the media and society want to convince everyone that it is strange, unhealthy, and downright weird to seek a pure life free from pornography and unhealthy sexual habits.

The question then is how to battle this? When we are putting forth our best effort to focus on God and seek purity...how do we deal with the imagery that we are bombarded with almost everyday? I suppose there's a few steps to that...

1) Prayer. This is always number one. But as I discussed in one of my earlier entries...we can't just wait until we're bombarded with sexual imagery. We must pray even when we are feeling strong and invincible. We must pray that we might not be bombarded with such imagery...but if we stumble upon something that might stir up temptation, that we have the strength to look away and not dwell on this. That brings us to #2.

2) Look away. If your checking out at the grocery store and the scantily clad woman on the magazine catches your eye...don't allow yourself to stare. Look away. Find something to distract you as quickly as possible. Drool over you favority candy bar instead. Read your horoscope. Stock up on those last minute items conveniently stocked by the registers..."hmm...maybe it is time for a new pair of nail clippers!" The longer we stare the longer that image will be in our minds...the longer we'll have to struggle to get it out. If we turn away immediately, we can't dwell on it. And to go back to #1...say a quick little prayer when you stumble upon something unexpected.

3) Be prepared. We know those magazines are at the front of the grocery store. I know where the billboard for the adult bookstore is. You know these things are there...so pump yourself up...get your game face on when approaching...and make the commitment to avert your eyes. You know its there. You can be ready for it. You have the upper-hand. Even still, there are times when something strikes out of the blue. An attractive woman walking down the street...or a an ad in the weekly bargain that always arrives in the mailbox. The best we can do here is not let our guard down. This stuff will always be around...we can't foget it. We must remind ourselves everyday that we will be faced with the imagery somewhere...and again, we turn back to step 1...we must pray we will have the strength to not allow our minds to dwell on any unexpected imagery we are faced with.

So to summarize, prayer...preparation...and distraction (I suppose it would make more sense had I written about those in the same order...but you get the point). Pray for strength...prepare ourselves to be bombarded...and distract ourselves when we are.

God Bless!

Miscellaneous Thoughts

2007-04-07T12:17:00.001-07:00

Is anyone reading this? Seriously, feel free to comment or send me a message...I'd like to know I"m not just talking to myself.

One of my entries a few weeks ago, I talked about the need for more discussion about pornography addiction...as many people don't even realize how quickly the problem is growing. This week there was an article on CNN.com about XXXChurch: http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/04/porn.addiction/index.html While I've visited their site a few times and not been completely impressed with their tactics, I do agree with their overall mission, which is to encourage open discussions about pornography and addiction. I think it's great to see them getting some press.

This past week I've been struggle with temptations a bit more, although I'm thankful that God has given me the strength to continue to overcome that. But I thought I'd share a few thoughts that I continuously try to remind myself of when I am struggling a bit more.

1) The tempations goes away...
I've sometimes gone a full week with little to no temptation...then out of no where I'll be hit with it. The funny thing is...I'll start to feel like I absolutely need to give in...and if I don't give in...the tempation will never go away. Some how I've forgotten all about the past week where I survived with barely ever thinking about pornography. But the devil is really just trying to trick us...the temptations will go away! Just as we go through periods where we can be relatively temptations free...we'll go through periods where temptations seem nearly unbearable...but we can't be fooled into thinking giving in will make them go away! In those times where we aren't tempted...we should be preparing ourselves for those periods where will will be tempted!

2) We have the strength to overcome!
Another thing I sometimes get tricked into thinking is that I am not strong enough...or I don't have enough will power...to beat this sin. But that's just another lie of the devil. God created us...and he has given us all we need to overcome sin. Why would he have created us...but made us too weak to overcome sin...then tell us we will be punished for giving into sin? That makes no sense! No...we can overcome our sins...and we should look to God to support us and give us the strength to resist the temptation of sins.

3) We can't give in...not even just a little...
In my past struggles I've found myself justifying my actions...trying to find ways to "break the rules". I used to try to convince myself that it was okay if I allowed myself to dwell on lustful thoughts...or if I just dwelled on imagery of scantily dressed woman as long as they weren't nude...or even convinced myself it was okay to masturbate to get rid of the temptations (at least it's better than porn). I talked about the slippery slope in my last post...and this is exactly when it starts. If I allow myself to give in to one of these seemingly harmless acts...I'm just starting small. It will take more and more to get the same amount of enjoyment...before long I will just fall back into the same habit.

So these are just a few thoughts that help me keep my sanity in times of temptation. Of course we can't forget how important daily prayer is in staying free of porn. God Bless!

Slippery Slope of Sin

2007-03-30T07:06:00.000-07:00

I have been without pornography and masturbation for well over a month now, but I've reached the point where it really becomes a bit of a struggle again. The first week or so is a struggle, because you've got to break the habit and work to keep your mind clean. Then for a few weeks it gets easier...your reasons for quitting and motivation are still fresh in your mind and you've realized you can live without the lust. But some reason, after those few weeks, I begin to feel the pressure again. I think there's a bit of a subconscious battle that goes on. I get on a bit of a high because I realize how well I'm doing. Perhaps its a bit of pride, even though I don't go around boasting it, that begins to weaken me. Perhaps I begin to let my guard down because on some level I've decided I'm too strong to let temptation over take me again. Maybe its because I don't spend as much time reflecting on my weakness and the pain its caused. It could be that I've begun to rely too much on myself, and less on God. It could even be the opposite, that I've gotten to a point where I expect God to do it all, keep temptation out of my life, and I can stop being proactive in my battle.

But I think the two biggest factors are that 1) I've seen (in retrospect) that it has been easy to reach this milestone, that I can "reward" myself just once and not skip a beat in my road to purity, and 2) That I can allow myself to have lustful thoughts or masturbate because it's at least better than looking at pornography. The first thing is a pretty stupid thought really...to think that I can give in to the temptation just once then just continue on my road to purity. There's no porn rest stop on the road to purity. Purity and pornography are on two opposite ends of the road. The only way to look at pornography is go all the way back to the beginning and erase all the progress I've made. The second thought I think to many might seem reasonable (I know there's much debate over whether masturbation is even a sin)...but at least for me...I can't allow it to be an option.

The problem is that sin, any sin, is a slippery slope. Our sin is at the bottom, purity is at the top. It's a tough climb to the top on a slippery slope. Maybe there's some easy spots to trudge through...but overall its easy to fall. And as we get higher up on the hill, it's easy to look back and say...wouldn't it be fun to slide back down to the bottom. It's like sled riding when you were a kid. Maybe you live at the top of the hill. You've been sled riding all day. You're cold, shivering, and part of you doesn't really want to go inside. But you know inside there's a warm fire and hot chocolate waiting (not to mention your favorite video game). You've made your last ride to the bottom of the hill...now you've got to climb back to the top of the hill, most of your energy gone. The first little way of the climb isn't too bad, you've got energy...and there's not a whole lot too look back down at. The ride from 20 feet up the hill isn't very fun...you're not missing out on much if you just keep climbing. But once you're halfway up, you look back, and its incredibly tempting to make another trip back to the bottom. That ride downhill is a lot of fun...but what's more dangerous is its a lot faster and easier than the climb back up the hill. You're about out of energy...out of chances...you make that ride to the bottom and you know you've got to start that climb all over again. You're Mom isn't going to drive down to the bottom of the hill and drive you up to the top. You make that trip back down and you're either down for good or you've got an even more difficult trip back to the top. It makes so much more sense to just keep climbing up...and you know you'll be rewarded at the top.

I guess putting it that way helps me a bit. If I'm halfway up the hill, how stupid am I to make the ride back to the bottom. I can't slide down just once then pick up the climb where I left off. I give up so much if I allow myself to fall. I fall that much farther from God and hurt my marriage even more. The climb back up will be even more of a struggle. No, I've got to continue the climb...and know that there will be times where I can take God's chairlift to the top...and other times where it won't be as easy. But the important thing is not to slip...because its a quick trip to the bottom, but a long hard climb back up. God Bless!

Proactive Prayer

2007-03-20T18:18:00.000-07:00

I find in my struggle that I often get frustrated with God. The problem usually starts when I feel very overcome by temptation...near a breaking point of giving in...and I cry out to him. I ask for him to take away the temptation and the strength to overcome it. But I find that I get very little relief. I recall many times I have gotten outright angry with God! Here I am...instead of just giving in to temptation like I've done so many times...I'm actually turning to God first and showing him that I want to choose him over sin...I just need the help overcoming temptation. Why then is God so slow to respond?

I've thought about this recently...and realized that the problem didn't start when I began feeling tempted. The problem started well before that, when I did not take the opportunity to pray and build a relationship with God in a time when I wasn't in need of something from him. Let's say you had a best friend when you began high school. You were inseparable...and always there for one another. Through high school, you both got involved with different things...and while you remained friends, perhaps you didn't talk every day and didn't get together as much as you used to. You graduated, and you tried to stay in touch...but as the years went by you communicated less and less. Eventually it got to the point where you maybe sent out a yearly Christmas card, but otherwise hadn't really had a heart-to-heart in years. Now you suddenly find yourself in financial trouble. You know your old friend was a wonderful trusting person, and would probably be more than happy to lend money to a close friend. So can you just call your old friend up and ask for a loan? Well of course not. You haven't really spoke in years...it would just be bad manners. Sure there was never any big falling out...but you simply aren't as close as you used to be. You may not even have their latest contact information. Before you could ask of such a big favor, you'd have to track them down, reestablish contact, and probably spend a year or more rebuilding your old friendship...then maybe you can be back to a point where you can ask a favor.

It's not much different with God. The difference is that God is always willing to take us back even if we had a big falling out. But if we're not terribly close to God, it's harder to expect God to perform a miracle. That's not to say he doesn't hear our prayer or begin helping us when we ask...but the lines of communication are fuzzy...we may not have our hearts open enough to hear his response. It's not that he isn't responding in our time of temptation...it's that we may not want to hear his response. We want a quick and simple solution to our problem...but there's really none. When we call out to God in times of temptation, we must have open hearts and be ready to pull our weight...not just expect the problem to disappear.

The solution here is to make sure we establish a regular prayer life with God. I still struggle with this myself. I try to remind myself each morning to say a prayer of Thanksgiving. I have so much in my life to be thankful for...so much that I risk losing should I continue to turn towards a life filled with pornography and masturbation. I have a beautiful wife and wonderful son. I have a great job and a great family. Me and my family are in good health. Some days of course I forget...other days I'm so groggy and grumpy when I get up that all I do is think about how I just want to go back to bed. But I must work past this. God has been so great to me despite how much I've sinned...and I owe him more than I can ever repay. The least I can do is to offer up prayers more regularly and try to develop my relationship with him. This can and should go beyond prayer. Being more active in our church is great way to grow closer to God (I regret to say this is something I've had on my to do list for awhile, and I really shouldn't put it off any longer). Reading the Bible and other religious material is another great thing. Something as little as taking a minute out of whatever we're doing a few times a day to thank God for his blessings and express our love...and remember all the great things in our life he has provided can go a long way. And yes, the next time we call out...we may hear and feel God's response...his love and strength...just a little faster. But better yet...our times of temptation will be fewer and farther between...and less intense! This is something I've experienced first hand in the past...and am working towards once more.

Please don't be afraid to comment! As always...God bless...my prayers are with all of you who struggle with pornography and masturbation like myself!

Burning Bridges

2007-03-16T18:07:00.001-07:00

Perhaps the most basic principle to overcoming any addiction is cutting off access to the source. This is one of the first things taught in the Setting Captives Free Pure Freedom Course (see the link on the right). For pornography, this means getting rid of whatever it is that allows you to view pornography. Now of course, with society the way it is today...it's virtually impossible to avoid sexually suggestive dress/advertising/music...but there are certainly things that we do have control over. If you have any magazines or movies...don't just throw them out...destroy them! If you struggle with pornography online, install an internet filter, and let your spouse or a friend set the password. If you have access to any television channels that frequently have nudity or sexually oriented programming, block them!

If you allow yourself to have easy access to this type of material, you're going to fall. But you can't view pornography if you don't have access to it. Not only that, just knowing how much more difficult it is to find this material when you've cut off access to it is a bit of a discouraging factor too. I'm going to be much more likely to seek out pornography if I know all I have to do is hop on the internet than if I have to go out somewhere hunting for it...and likely paying money for it. So getting rid of it is key.

I remember when I was engaged to my wife and I first told her about my struggles with pornography. I had certainly tried to kick the habit many times before...but this time it was different. I wanted to be the best husband I could for her, because she's such a beautiful person that she deserves it. I started the Pure Freedom course and one of the first days talked about the importance of getting rid of access to pornography. I had some magazines that I was still holding on to. Why? How did I expect to stop looking at pornography while holding on to these magazines? Just the thought of giving them up was painful...knowing I was giving it up forever...it was like a drug and fearing the imminent withdrawal. But finally I decided if I held on to the magazines...they would control me. They would have this power over me. I decided that if I was really serious about giving up pornography, I had to get rid of them...anything else would not be pleasing to God or my future wife. So I just decided I wasn't going to think about it anymore...I was just going to do it. I got out the magazines and started ripping them up. I didn't even look at them...I just ripped and ripped and ripped. I had such a sense of empowerment...I was taking things into my own hands refusing to let these things control me and my thoughts! I stuffed the torn up pieces into a garbage bag and took them out to the dumpster.

The sad part of the story is that down the road I would fall again. But how? By discovering ways around the internet filter I had installed. Instead of immediately recognizing that I again had access and I needed to get rid of it...I convinced myself I was strong enough to resist...and I fell. I fell hard. And the moral there is that we much continually be on guard. Opportunities will come along, and we must be strong enough to do what we have in our power to cut off our access before it can become a problem again.

As I mentioned above, there are certainly things that our out of control. Just an innocent trip to the grocery store and we can be bombarded with sexual imagery...and I intend to address such things in later blog entries. But the goal is recognize the things we do have control over, and being proactive in taking steps to prevent our access. Get rid of the magazines! Download internet filters! Block channels on the television! Don't go to movies we know will have sexual situations! Don't keep more than a few dollars cash on us so we won't be tempted to buy inappropriate magazines in the store! If you go through the Pure Freedom course at Setting Captives Free, you'll hear stories of people who took this principle to great lengths...quitting jobs and ending relationships...all because they knew these things were somehow roadblocks in their path to purity.

Please feel free to leave comments or e-mail me (mathias1979@yahoo.NOSPAM.com). I would love to hear from those of you reading so I know someone is taking something away from this blog! Please don't hesitate to share you thoughts, opinions, or just say 'hi'!

God Bless!

Breaking the Silence

2007-03-11T10:16:00.000-07:00

I think one of the keys to breaking an addiction to pornography (or at least the habit of viewing it) is to talk about it. It's great to want to make the effort to get it out of your life, but if no one knows about your struggle then its very easy to continue to allow yourself to turn back to pornography in your private little world. Yet if you've opened the line of discussion with someone, then there's more motivation and encouragement to avoid it. As the Pure Freedom course at Setting Captives Free puts it (I recommend anyone who struggles with pornography to consider taking this course, you can find the link on the right), it sheds light on the problem and the sin cannot live in the light...but it thrives in the darkness. If you open a lines of communication with others, your own little private world of porn is no longer private...it is exposed...and it becomes easier to resist falling back into it (although its certainly still possible)!

This can be frustrating though. After all, negative aspects of pornography and sexual sin receives so little attention in today's society. You can almost forget about finding talk about the harmful effects of an obsession over such things anywhere in the media or in pop culture. If anything, such things are perceived as normal and even encouraged. And even in religion, not enough attention is paid to the growing problem of pornography. Perhaps an occasional word about purity, abstinence, or faithfulness is preached, but the seedy details of where an addiction to pornography and sex can lead you are simply overlooked. I suppose it's understandable that such a topic gets overlooked...it certainly isn't family friendly...and it addresses our sexuality, perhaps the most private part of our lives. It's an embarassing subject for most, but does it need to be?

With the rise of the internet, pornography has become more accessible than ever. It's become something that can be viewed completely anonomously. No money or credit card needed, no age restrictions...absolutely anyone can get online anytime they want and find pornography in just about any variety you can imagine. And there's absolutely nothing to prevent or discourage young hormonly driven teens to seek this stuff out. I was 12 or 13 when my family first had access to an online service...it was Prodigy...it was all grainy graphics and text...and it did not take me long to find where I could find discussions and stories on sex. I justified my actions as normal curiosity, nothing to be concerned about, and absolutely normal part of going through puberty. But for me, it was only the beginning of an addiction I would battle for years. And when I was going through this, just as today, there was little discussion about the downside of pornography. Sex education tought me it was okay to think about sex...it was normal to masturbate...it was normal to be curious. Would things had been different had we been taught that while some curiosity is normal, but too much can also lead to an addiction that could be difficult to overcome when we were older? Hard to say...but it certainly couldn't have hurt.

The point is that while pornography addiction may not be as harmful to our physical health as an addiction to drugs or alcohol...it can still be dangerous. Jobs are lost, families torn apart, and even lives lost as the addiction can become so powerful that victims feel suicide is the only way to break it. The stories are out there...perhaps such things don't happen as frequently as they do with drugs or alcohol, but they happen. And with pornography becoming easier and easier to access, and children becoming exposed at younger and younger ages thanks to the internet...we can only assume that addictions will become more common, and the impacts will be see more often.

So can we really afford to overlook the topic? Can we really avoid to say nothing simply because it's embarassing or uncomfortable to talk about? We must break the silence! Pornography can be dangerous! Of course it would be an exaggeration to say everyone who looks at pornography will become addicted. That's not the case. But it's just like alchol. While there may be some people that can drink socially on an occasional basis and not be addicted, able to stop at any time...there is a small minority that cannot drink without it overtaking their lives. With pornography, perhaps most can look at it casually without ever feeling the need to look every day...but others become obsessed, and feel the need to look at it any opporunity they have.

So if you struggle with pornography, its time to speak up! It's time to come clean with someone. A priest, a friend, even your spouse. It's time to open the topic up for discussion. That's my intent with this blog, to talk about it, to acknowledge its a problem for myself and many, and to speak out against it and offer encouragement. But there are so many other ways to speak out. From simply discussing it with friend, to starting a support group, to giving a talk in church or a retreat. Perhaps one day I will be called to speak out in a more public way, and I will have to muster up the courage to do so. This problem will only breed if we stay silent! The only way to address it...to stop it...to hope to overcome it...is to talk about it! So I encourage everyone here to look for a way you can share your struggle and speak out against the problem!

Please feel free to share your thoughts with me! I don't know who, if anyone, is reading this. I will be much more motivated to continue this blog if I know someone is reading...to know someone has taken something from this. So please feel free to leave a comment with your thoughts...or you can e-mail me if you wish your comment/thoughts to remain private (mathias@yahoo.NOSPAM.com, of course, remove the NOSPAM).

God Bless!

Welcome!

2007-03-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

Hello, my name is Matt. I have begun this blog to share my struggle with against pornography. I hope that sharing my struggles and thoughts will give me strength to live a porn free life as well as encourage those of you who also struggle to live a pure life. Certainly no one is alone in this struggle! I think this is a chance for me to take the time and energy I used to use toward porn and turn it into something more productive that will make me a better person, a better husband, a better father, and hopefully help others achieve the same.

My purpose here is not to judge others or debate the morality of the issue. I have heard enough testimonials from those who feel pornography has ruined their marriage or left them jobless. I also see how my viewing pornography has impacted my life, hurt my relationship with my wife, and affected my relationship with God. This has been enough to convince me of the danger of pornography and that it should be avoided.

Just to give you an idea of where I am coming from...I first started experimenting with self gratification when I was about 10 years old. Not long after that, I was exposed to pornography. At the age of puberty, I wasn't worried about it, as I was told it was normal and figured when my hormones calmed down a few years so would my interest. But of course, that wasn't the case. And as the years passed, I became more and more addicted to pornography...always making excuses as to why my interest would eventually wane. Eventually, I was lucky enough to meet a beautiful woman willing to be my wife, despite my struggles. We got married, and I was horrified that my need for pornography did not fade. I regret to say that more than once she has discovered my continuing struggles, despite my promises to overcome my struggles. Now that we have a son and I see what a huge strain my addiction puts on our marriage, it is not more apparent to ever that for the sake of my marriage and our son, I must be done with it forever. God has blessed me with an amazing family, and it is not worth throwing it all away for a few cheap empty thrills.

Therefore, I hope to post every few days sharing thoughts I have had during my struggles as well as anything else (i.e. news or other issues) that is relevant. I also hope that those of you reading will share your own thoughts and struggles with me. I also ask that you share this blog with others you feel may be interested.

Thank you for reading, and God Bless!